Saturday, November 11, 2006
i am a meanie. i am selfish. i am shittified.i am the worst. i badmouth them. i dislike them. i am unhappy.
i am sad. i am angry.
i dunno larh. these feel daes as long as elderlys just raise voice at me i will feel tt they are scolding me. like just now, i wan to eat this thing my uncle bought from japan. then my cousins took it everything home. then i don have to eat. then i was quite pissed. they have also right? why must they always take larh. then my grandma was saein tt she cant sae no. cause my cousin ask her grandma, can i take?
yea. u can. byebye food.
then she like tt tell me i feel tt she is scoldin me. i dunno. to the whole world. i am bad mouthin them. my mum just came in. she sae the way i talk very what. cause my cousin ask me. will the machine be hot? or the man can faint he cover. cause u sae wan. then she ask me a lot of why questions that i dunno how to answer. so i replied her how do i knw? i don work in disney. then my mum sae her mum is pissed off.
yea. i am wrong. forever i am wrong. what i answer is like tt what? the way i answer is like tt. can anyone teach me how to answer? i realli dunno. serious. no sacarstic. i realli dunno how to treat them anymore. i feel so shit.
whenever go club. all my cousins will swim. i will prefer not. cause i don knw how to. they all knw. they everytime go deep pool. i don even knw how to trap water. i am worst than a 3yr old kid. i am like steppin on my own face and let ppl mock at.
i suddenly feel like what i not stupid 2 song. yi sheng jue wang. -hopeless. my marks are hopeless. talents hopeless. so what i can dance? can i make it big? did i win anything? to all the answers. NO.
another thing. i once feel tt no one will hear me talk. when i talk, someone would either interrupt and tt person will forget tt i am talkin to him or her. everytime like tt. i would just silentl go away. maybe i am just useless to the family.
i feel like crying again. i am realli getting weaker. last time i can take it. nowa days, i cant anymore. my tears just fall. i managed to hold back this time. will i be able to hold back the next time? or the next next time?
my mum always saes, i am more fortunate than my cousins cause i get everything i want. she envy everything i have. i agree tt i am more fortunate than her but i feel worst than her. she is ard my hgt and she is oni pri 5? everyone is comparin. even height. i am losing. nothing in this world i can win. results like shit. combi cant go in. dancin gd got what use?
i knw i am badmouthing her again. no matter what i sae and do, someone will think the other way. i dunno how to be a angel. i dunno. and i am not one.
i don wan to talk. i don wana hear. i don wana see.
if i cant talk, i won offend anyone.
if i cant hear, i won feel hurt.
if i cant see, i won feel useless.
i wan my headphones on. so i cant hear anything they sae. i wan live in my own world. i wan school. i wan my friens. my friens won doubt me. they won scold me. they won think i am useless. i feel happy with them. todae, i feel tt the old hazel is not ard any more. i used to be so brave that i won cry. but why am i crying so frequently?
i am a loser. a person who badmouth even her cousin. i knw i am a baddie. u all can choose not to trust me. cause i may badmouth u cause i even badmouth my own cousins. u all can leave me if u all wan. i will get used to it alone.
i wan to biuld a wall ard my heart. a very tall wall. no one can break in or see in. like tt, i won cry, i won be hurt. no one will knw how i feel. no one will knw how weak am i.
not tt i don like my family. i love them. is just sometimes i realli feel useless. my uncle is paying extra attention to my cousin cause she is in puberty. no one give a damn abt me? ok. i seem like an attention seeker. but at least give me some concerns. i don wan to dodge u all. i have to dodge u all when my cousins are here. my room is my shelter. is the place where i feel safe.
i made myself seem so pathetic. fine. i am alright. just a little too over. i dunno what else to sae. ppl will think the other way,
being human is tiring. i am tired. very sick and tired. where is the me? i seem to be lost in btwn myself. i wan someone to rely on. cause i cant stand alone anymore. i am tearing apart. i am breaking down. i have no more energy to face them. whatever i do i have to be careful. tts not me. i don like being restricted to what i do. when can someone truly understand how i feel?
at first, i tot i truly found a frien who truly understands me.
i dunno larh!
i have no mood.
and energyless.
i miss sch a lot. i wish sch is open on weekends.
then i can go there.
i am not blamin anyone. not my family, not my mum, not my grandma, not my cousins.
i knw they love me.
is just the problem within myself.
i feel kinda lost and stuck.
and the useless feelin just seem to cant get off.
i knw i cant dodge forever. but tt is the oni thing to do for the moment.
hazel, hang on a little while. just a little while. i knw u are tired and upset. till the day u cant take it anymore, let go.
haha, let go? how to?
stupid me.
bye.........the strong hazel.