Tuesday, December 25, 2007
as i grow older day by day, year by year..i realised that i have to accept many things or even many reality that i had been avoiding all these year. just like christmas, as i grow older, the lesser christmas presents i get.. but i am not calculating all these small things because such stuff are considered nothing to me. family members scold me for being distant from them because i love to stay in my room and hog on my computer. but is just i have no mood at times. sometimes i just dont wish to talk, dont wish to see anyone. these few days or even weeks, i had been avoiding a reality. i thought i had been very good at it but in the end i did not manage to run away. maybe to you, that sentence is just a normal remark but to me, is not. i thought i had been strong enough not to cry but i just cant hold it any longer. i know my existance had always been a hindrance but do you knw i had been trying ways to disappear? i had been trying not to appear. maybe to you all, i may be kicking a big fuss. but i really dont care anymore. i am already very far away from where you are. is okay if you all treat me invisible. i wld be more than happy to be invinsible because my existance is no longer important.my change may not be obvious but i can feel myself changing. as the sch reopen draw nearer, i am just at a loss. i can give up now and concentrate on my studies. i would be more than happy to. kalyn taught me to live in my own world and i already mastered it well enough to cover my feelings.
sometimes, i hope you all can put urself in my shoe. if my existance is really a hindrance. please feel free to say. because i am more than happy to disappear from all of your life. all the more, i am already drifting away. or can even say. already drifted away.
my mind is telling me to disappear from here.
i just want my mum to agree to let me go overseas and study.
i dont want to stay here any longer.
zhe4 li3 yi3 mei3 you3 ren4 he2 dong1 xi zhi2 de2 wo3 liu2 lian4.
i repeat once more. i don care whether u all think i may be kicking a big fuss.
i said. i dont care anymore.
i am fine with any single thing.
just leave me alone.
i repeat. ALONE.
I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE.
because my existance is just a hindrance. a hindrance. always a hindrance. nth can change abt that.
being sensitive is not my fault. because from young, i am being brought up in a different way.
a different environment. i have to be mature from very young. but my heart is not mature. i just want more care and concern.
because my childhood is just different from you all.
if time can be reversed, i wished my childhood was complete. but not in the form of excused.
i don like giving excuses. excuses only makes me more clear that deep in my heart, there is one smthing that is incomplete.